Sons Jokes

Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."

...

The image is split into two sections. The top shows a woman with a surprised but pleased smile. The text above her reads, "Mums when their teenage son mentions a girl for the first time." Below, there is a cartoon character holding a shotgun with an angry expression. A younger cartoon character stands beside him. The text says, "Dads when their teenage daughter mentions a boy" and "I just want to talk with him."

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

What did the beaver say to his son?

Dam, son.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”