Someone jokes
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.
If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone unplugged the router.
Why can’t you private text someone in a community?
Because a community has more than two people.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they can call someone "father."
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
what do baby’s and grenades have in common?
They both are silent but then when thrown at someone make a loud noise
If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.
If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
Your hairline is so far gone that it looks like someone dropped a nuclear bomb on it.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
Why did the orphans like church so much?
So they had someone to call father...
Why do orphans like pedos? Because they have someone to call "daddy."
Someone asks a question: Who? Who asked? Boom, you"re done xxx.
If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that F was the villain (Alphabet Lore), I would be rich.
At least someone who is gay/Carter has someone.
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
If someone says nobody asked, you could say, "Well, nobody asked for you to talk!"
When someone asks you for a beef (fight), just say you're a vegetarian.