Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone unplugged the WiFi router.
When someone asks you for a beef (fight), just say you're a vegetarian.
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
Saturn was so loved, someone put a ring on him.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
When deaf people see someone yawning, do they think they're screaming?
A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
Why do orphans go to church so much?
So they can have someone to call father.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
Someone at school judged my grammar.
I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.
Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.
That moment when you realize you do not have a joke and someone ends up laughing at what you still wrote anyway.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
Rules of dark humor.
1. Everything shall be touched.
2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it had its ion someone else.
