Sleep jokes
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.
I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.
What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag?
A Kit Kat.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
What do you call a rapper who's always sleepy?
NAP-TAIN
What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?
Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.
What do you call a rapper who CAN’T GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING?
Snooze Dogg.
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?
"Goodnight, Mom!"
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.
A young couple gets banned from church.
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."
A boy asks his father:
"What is politics?"
Father answers:
"It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business. Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.
Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law.
Our maid is the working class.
Everything revolves around your interests, so you’re the people. Your little baby brother represents the future."
The boy has to think it over. That night he hears his little brother crying due to a dirty diaper. He doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to the bedroom of his parents. There his mother is sound asleep. He goes to the bedroom of the maid, but his father is there fucking the maid — and oddly enough his grandfather is watching through the window.
Nobody notices the boy and he returns to his bed.
The next day his father asks him:
"So, can you now explain to me what politics is?"
The boy says:
"Yes, it’s all become clear to me!
Big business screws over the working class while the law watches and the government sleeps. The people are ignored and the future lies in shit."
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?
Sleeping Beauty.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby who?
Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.
Yo mama so fat that she needs 12 queen size mattresses to go to sleep.