Windows jokes

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

The Windows XP log out sound.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

Yo momma's so fat, she rolled out the bed, out the room, down the stairs, smashed through the window, rolled down the road, and got stuck in the Grand Canyon.

I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!

It's called "The Bad Batch File!"

The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

Your arms are open. They stretch towards me, Reaching, grabbing, pulling me, Surrounding me, Drowning me in my helplessness. Time standing still, inside here. Looking through windows, time passing by. Let me go, will ya?

At the drive-thru window:

"I'd like a Big Mac without soup, please!"

"We don't serve soup here!"

"Well, I didn't order any!"

Knock knock. Hus dare? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the window and you'll see.

Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.

Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."

Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."

To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"

Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."

"Don’t look! I saw you peeking through the window."

What operating system do Indian scammers use?

"Window licker XP."

So I was sitting on my couch, watching this homophobic TV show all about "straight and great". But then I remember, "Aren't I part of the LGBTQ?"

So I say, "Oh my God, let's throw it out the window because that would be a good idea!" But then it gets run over by 123,456,789 cars. It gave me a $150,000 fine. Guess I'm broke.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

I thought I saw a cool sticker on my office window, then I realized it was getting bigger and bigger.

Why did the child throw the butter out of the window?

So she could see a butterfly.

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.