Short jokes

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

A penis has a bad life. His neighbor is an asshole, his friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

What’s the most annoying thing about licking bald pussy?

Putting the damn nappy back on afterwards...

What's the difference between Obama and Trump?

Obama was a president and Trump was a whiny bitch!

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

Hey, you might want to look at your butt because there's something coming out of Uranus.

Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?

He had no legs.

Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?

Santa Claus!

Are the three little pigs orphans because their mom kicked them out of the house?

Why can’t orphans build computers?

They don’t know where to put the motherboard.

A cow was walking down the road, and it saw a beautiful cloud in the sky, so it said, "That is an a-moo-zing cloud!"

What do you use to strap an eagle's nest together?

An eagle-lastic band!

Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.

Why did Helen Keller walk in on someone in the bathroom?

Because she didn’t know it was the bathroom.

When you throw paper at a hill, you can say, "Hey, look, it is like Kobe's helicopter!"

Why don't you see gay people in wheelchairs?

Because once you're a fruit, you can't be a vegetable.

Roses are red, The forest is bushy, OMG did you just cum in my pussy?

If an athlete gets athlete's foot... What does an astronaut get? Mistletoe!

Inmate 1: Why are you in prison?

Inmate 2: I killed 4 people and robbed someone, what about you?

Inmate 1: I blew up a school bus.

Inmate 2: OMG, you demon! Were they autistic?

Inmate 1: No, they were Fortnite kids.

Inmate 2 (who is Muslim): Halelouia, we have found the messiah!