Short jokes
What's the difference between Monday and a dick?
They're not different. They're both unnecessarily long and hard.
What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"
What do you call gay parents?
Poly.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
No? Neither did he.
Dad: Uh, yeah!
Son: Mom, Dad, what are you doing!
Parents: Sex!
Son: What?
Parents: Look, you can spectate!
If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.
Mom: Son, get up for school.
Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!
What's an emo's favorite game? Fruit Ninja.
What do you call the longest reigning monarch?
The queen? No, she dead.
The best and worst part about being bi:
Best: Double the love, double the fun.
Worst: Double the love, double the loneliness.
Stfu.
What do you call an African that is not hungry? Dead.
Jackie gives better head than Marilyn.
I was going to tell you a joke about a big cat, but I would be lion.
What was Hitler's favorite part of the car? The gas tank.
Why can’t orphans go on school trips?
Parent's signature: _________
Why do butts always win at poker?
They always hold the best PAIRS!
The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.
They’re always so twisted!
This is an inside joke for my friend Caiden...
"Hey, where’d you get that paint from?" "Ha! Paint!"