Short jokes
When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"
I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
What do a stool and an emo have in common?
They both sit still.
What’s a downy's favorite song? Down Under.
What’s the best form of contraception?
Being a soccer fan.
What did one chair say to the other?
"I'm so bummed out!"
What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?
Domi-don't-knows...
What time do babies get dirty?
Playtime.
Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?
Because they are breaking the whole entire news.
You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.
Ever absorb Griffin?
Brady Quinn!!
What does the man cheeseburger say to the girl cheeseburger?
“You got nice buns!”
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."
"Did you go to the biscuit eating championship?"
"Yea, it was crackers!"
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
Chode.
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Homeless person says to a rich person, "I'm homeless."
Rich person: "Then buy a house!"
What's white, black, and red all over?
A zebra who walked into a hunting reserve.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
To wipe the chicken's ass!