Short jokes
When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"
I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."
Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?
Because they are breaking the whole entire news.
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
What do a stool and an emo have in common?
They both sit still.
What’s a downy's favorite song? Down Under.
What’s the best form of contraception?
Being a soccer fan.
What did one chair say to the other?
"I'm so bummed out!"
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
What does the man cheeseburger say to the girl cheeseburger?
“You got nice buns!”
A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."
Ever absorb Griffin?
Brady Quinn!!
"Did you go to the biscuit eating championship?"
"Yea, it was crackers!"
Chode.
What time do babies get dirty?
Playtime.
What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?
Domi-don't-knows...
You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Homeless person says to a rich person, "I'm homeless."
Rich person: "Then buy a house!"
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
To wipe the chicken's ass!
What's the difference between acne and the Pope?
Acne waits till you're 13 to cum on your face.