Short jokes

I make elevating music; you make elevator music.

Alles tut weh.

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

Hello guys. It's me, Donald fuckin' Trump. Ask me anything in the comments, guys.

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo.

So it can cut itself.

A monkey eats cheese. He was lactose intolerant.

Running out of time to cut the grass, may have to cut it short.

I was gonna stop for the cops, but I ran because I was high (the song don't copyright me plz).

Why did the skeleton die from laughter?

'Cause they broke all his "funny bones!"

If Stephen Hawking was a boxer, he would roll with the punches.

Stephen Hawking is to wheelchairs like Uncle Ben is to rice.

If Carlsberg did wheelchairs...

What did Stephen Hawking say when he rode a bike?

"Hey look...no hands...or legs!"

At least he always has a shoulder to cry on.

What Stephen Hawking doesn't know about wheelchairs isn't worth knowing.

Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite movie? Cabbage Patch Kids.

What does a pizza and a Mexican have in common?

One can feed a family.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"