Short jokes

Women: “Men used to go to war, now they go to clubs.”

Men: “Women used to fear their nudes getting leaked, now it’s $3.99.”

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

People claim that Trump has Russian ties.

FAKE NEWS!

All of Trump's ties are made in China.

I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.

The things you do for your cousins!

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

When a pregnant lady gives birth, it looks like she is having an erection.

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

Muslim religion is just pregnant women saying "Allahu Akbar" and exploding a bus.

If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.

Do you know when an African doesn't feel hungry?

When he is dead.

Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.