Short jokes

Short jokes

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a Risk I was willing to take.

Pirate

What does every pirate hate?

A small chest with no booty.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Michael Jackson

What show would have made Michael Jackson a superstar for television? To Catch a Predator, for obvious reasons.

What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.

Michael Jackson

Who is the new heterosexual Michael Joseph Jackson (pedophile)?

R. Kelly.

Gang Rape

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

Rose

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?