She jokes

Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her age, and she died.

Yo mama is so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo mama is so skinny, she can dodge raindrops.

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

My sister: See you at home in about an hour.

Me: Okay.

My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*

Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?

Sister: OMG, she's dead!

Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?

Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Yo mama is so fat, she had to snap his finger twice.

Why did the oxygen molecules walk out of the singles bar with excitement?

Because she got Avogadro's number!

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

Yo mama is so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices.

Did you know Helen had a playhouse in her backyard? Neither did she!

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."

Awww, Gwen thinks she has a boyfriend! Oh wait, no you don't! She is just some loser ass bitch who could be a ho, you don't know. He was mine, and I want him back!

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

What happens when you make an asían girl squirt?

She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

Yo mama so tall, she was next to Neil Armstrong on the moon.