self-deprecation jokes

Q: How do you see a bad joke?

A: Look in the mirror.

You guys asked for a joke? Well, you're in luck, because you already are one!

I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.

Imagine being such a low life that you need people to roast you to have stuff to do.

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

Me.

The joke is me.

Sorry for all the jokes, I'll end it.

I hate myself.

I'm fucking retarded.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

Your joke: you.

What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.

Go fuck yourself, cause I doubt anyone else will. 💅

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.

Yes, I'm CUTE.

C-ringe U-gly T-errible E-mpty.