Say jokes

You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

Sonic says: "Gotta go fast!"

The Hulk SMASH!

Orphan says: "Gotta go home!"

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

Katsuki Bakugou went into a bar and said: "Where is that damn nerd?!?". Everyone was confused.

Bakugou says: "Tell me where Deku is or I'll kill you!" He kills them all because they all have green hair.

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."

A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

"Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.

What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?

Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?

What do you call a girl above age 16 who says she is a virgin? A liar.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

I got a GTR yesterday, now my kids say, "GTR we there yet?"

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

So imagine bullying an orphan so bad they cry, and then you say, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"

What do you call an emo kid standing outside the mall?

Anything, he'll cry no matter what you say.