Saw Jokes

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle

Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

3 men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live, only if they could achieve one thing. They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each. The first person returned with apples, the leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1....2 he screamed. The next person came back with grapes, 1,2,3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing, he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well, "well i saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples"

One day, i was just chillin, being a tower. I saw a plane, but it was slowly growing. Then it hit me.

I saw you when I got chance at the adoption centre 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

I saw ur forehead and realised ur mom and dads forehead were as big as urs also ur gay

What did the solder say when he saw a terrorist on a wheelchair? An RC-XD

I looked at your hairline, and when I saw you I thought to my self of the last time I was a baby

when i saw stephen hawking for the first time i knew he had been in a shop!!! I lieeeeeeeeed🤣🤣🤣!!!!11!

I saw twins, I’m just waiting for those planes

An orphan saw A tornado and he thought he saw his mom but then he realized it was a corpse and said hi Dad

A dog found a bone then he was walking happily across to street and he saw a bridge he dicided to walk on the bridge he saw his reflection and thought It was another dog then he barked at him and the bone fell in the river the dog said what a fool I have been and walked away

I saw a small kid crying so I asked him "where's ur mom" but he started crying so I left the funeral🙂🙂

The time I saw u and you ask me to be your friend me: yeah..no your to ugly even your parents never loved u kid: 😭

I really like those 'driverless cars'. I saw loads of them last week, in the car park.

What did the chicken say when he saw ahuman running around uncontrollably? "its running around like a human with its head cut off"

Where did ur dad go??? cause i saw him at the milkshop oh wait there isnt one

First saw her in the Walmart picking out your drawers

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF" How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW"