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Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.

I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.

He one day said his business was "remarkable."

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

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    • Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."

    There was an enemy with a machine gun.

    My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."

    So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.

    A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

    He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

    She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

    “She’s playing on the roof.”

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    • The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.

    A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.

    A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

    The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

    The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

    And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

    The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

    The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

    The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

    And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

    A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got hit by a car.

    The cops said to him, "That's CARma for you!"

    So my mom said, "Did you do your homework?" Well, I say yes, and in the hour, I yelled, "This is fake, not real!" 😅😅😅

    A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him. The first man says, "I have been waiting to cross here for ages. It's impossible to cross."

    The second man says, "There is a zebra crossing up the road." He said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am!"

    I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

    After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.