Room Jokes

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs of quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, my beloved hamster is dead. "I'm sorry for your loss", the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars" says the vet. "what? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

As a older brother I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room I see my sister giving married me blow jobs. I ask what are you doing the married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you tole me to do your best and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother I couldn't be more prouder.

As a son I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot. I came home the next day I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask whats going on my mom said to me. Meet your new daddy, then my friend said to hey son get me a beer from the fridge.

A three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat will be closed.

Stranger 3: how to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

Stranger 1: you can't!

Stranger 2: you can

Stranger 3: how?

Stranger 2: by using the same idea of russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff but the difference that he can sleep and he will have a food for 30 days and toilet too.

Stranger 3: great idea, but who can we try first?

Stranger 1: you all gays are evil monsters

Stranger 2: i think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy let's try this experi-

(the chat has been closed by stranger 1)

A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and released his cow was gone.

I woke up one night to a strange noise and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents room. I looked inside and counted, ok one two three finger men and my mom so nothing out of the ordinary so then I checked my sisters room. And I counted 4 other women in the room but then I realized that he sound was coming from right in front of me it was my dad giving me a bj the whole time.

So I came across a guy who was carrying a ton of clothing and makeup

And I asked him what he is doing

Guy: Some kawaii girl told me if i bought and brought her this crap, she would let me play with her tits

Me: Erm................Are you a simp?

Two minutes later, the guy arrived at Kawaii Girl's house

KG: You have it?

Guy: Yup, now can I play with them

KG: Sure!

KG then went to her room.

Guy: Ohhhh, I know what your going to do. Your gonna call me over and you will be-

KG then held a bird cage with two birds in it

KG: Have fun playing with them!

Guy: WHAT THE FU-

one day i caught my sister talking to my girlfriend and she said "you never told me your Lesbian" and i said "no,not at all" my girlfriend ask "why did you not tell her" and i said " because every time i bring a girl home i hear to much noise in her room and i never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash" and she said "yeah,the trash is her junk"

Little Johnny is walking in the hallway and goes in his brothers room and catches him watching something so he asks “what you watching” his brother replies “ nothing “ and drops his phone but the he gets a text from his teacher texted him a picture of her naked saying “ after school come fuck me “ so Johnny looks and says “ ew I’m telling mom” and he ran with his brothers phone and showed his mom and his mom said “ok johnny I’ll take care of you brother “ and she told him to leave and he did and his brother ran in his moms room naked and his mom said “oh that’s big how about you do what your teacher told you to do to her to me” and a few hours later Johnny heard weird noises coming from the room so he walked in and saw them (his brother and mom) having sex so he closed the door and walked away

1. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied: 
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!" 2. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." 3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second." 4. Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon." 5. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" 6. My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year." 7. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside. 8. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. 9. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation." 10. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

I was staying over at my friends, for the purpose of the joke he shall be called kian. It was 03.00 am and everyone else was asleep when i heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it, Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge it was thought he had a huge slong. The banging was getting louder and so to was my heartbeat, i opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked, there was a glory hole threw the wall where i could make it kians ass. This is what i have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards john. I shoved 1 inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "you little gimp get on the bed". Kian came in the room with a 2 litre bottle of irn bru, he demanded "what the fudge are you doing". I replied smoothly "Kian you tracksuit warrior you have a camel toe" Kian fires back "shut it paul you have genital warts". John screams "SHUT THE FUCK UP." He then gives us it so rough i can't walk the next day, but feel pleasured for eternity.

By Lewis

Jay and Andrew, are best friends whom are almost alike, the difference between them both is Jay is poor and well...Andrew on the other hand is suck-a-dick-poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes-up in his room, walks to the kitchen and asks his mom Lisa (I call her Lisa now btw) if there is anything to eat, "No bitch !" She replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed. Now Andrew...wakes-up jumps out of bed and he's in the kitchen, he sees his mom fixing some for work, after a long hard night of giving her husband blue-balls, "Anything left for me Mother?" Andrew asks "Sorry Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work taking her time * Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself "Man...I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if u do my first customer for me!!! "

A politician dies So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately, you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that, however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules," Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears...

And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be, right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where are all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is, of course, free, as is the room service, there are extra towels next to the hot tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on-site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift and walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course is made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot-tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Gandhi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite and spend the rest of the night making love as they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows and falls into a deep and happy sleep...

And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks, and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."