Retort jokes
My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
Friend, you're bold and fat.
Me: Bro, go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. You will probably break it.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
Bully: "I would roast you but my mom told me not to burn trash."
Me: "So that's why you haven't burnt yourself yet." 🤔
I punched an orphan, and he told me to leave him alone. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
Shut the f*** up, I am an orphan!
My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.
Papyrus: I hate you, Frisk.
Frisk: This is why Mettaton doesn't fucking love you.
Sans: Kid, I will kill you.
Papyrus: (Remembers something) That's why you don't have a lover, you lonely giraffe!
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
Why can’t someone say "ur mums gay" to an orphan? Because he doesn’t have a mum.
Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?
Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?
Down syndrome kid: Stop being greedy with the Legos! Me: Stop being greedy with the chromosomes!
"'There is no God.' - Stephen Hawking (2011)
'There is no Stephen Hawking.' - God (2018)"
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
In 2011, Stephen Hawking said God didn’t exist.
In 2018, God said Stephen Hawking didn’t exist. xx 😂😂
When my friend says I suck at something, I'm like, "U swallow."
My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.