Reply jokes

A king ordered to execute a gay man.

The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."

Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.

Hitler says, “Yes.”

Stalin then says, “Moscow.” Hitler replies with “I don’t get it?”

Stalin laughs for a long time and says, “And you never will.”

Once at school, a teacher thought I was Russian. Why do you think that? I said. The teacher replied, because you're reading from Right to Left.

I asked Daveon if he ever considered trying something new, and he replied "why fix what ain't broke?"

A train walks into a bar. It says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a gallon of ale."

"A gallon?" the barkeeper asks.

"Yes," replies the train, "I always end up chugging it."

The circular saw asked the chainsaw, "When am I as big as you?"

The chainsaw would answer with, "When you cut down some things in your life. Like your owner."

The circular saw would reply with, "What?"

So there is someone who doesn't know what an armadillo is.

He then sees one. He asks it a question, "What are you?"

The armadillo replies, "Armadillo."

The person says: "What's a dilo?"

One day, a chemistry teacher asked his student, whose name is Raj, "What is the chemical formula of water?"

The Raj replied, "HIJKLMNO."

The teacher asked, "What is this rubbish?"

The Raj replied, "Yesterday, you taught the chemical formula of water is H2O."

Little Johnny attends school regularly and often brings a box of sultanas as a gift to his favorite teacher.

One morning Little Johnny attends class without a box of sultanas.

The teacher enquires, why Johnny "where is my box of sultanas?"

Johnny replied, "Sorry, miss, my rabbit died."

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

A young boy was talking to his friend about his family:

"My great-grandfather fought against Napoleon, my grandfather fought against the English, my father fought against the Americans, and my uncle against the Argentinians."

The friend replied: "It seems that your family can't get along with anybody!"

Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning, just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him, Rachel said, "Watch two martial arts movies, eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar."

Jim replied with a shocked look, "That's what I do after Mr. Tugman shakes my hand too long."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”

A blonde starts a new job at a local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission, so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.

The gentleman has a good look around before saying to the blonde, "It looks perfect.... But cargo space?" To which she instantly replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, car only for road."

A man comes to a bar and has a drink. Then his bully came to him and stole his drink. Then the bully asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said that "I'm trying to kill myself. I tried getting hit by a train, but the train went on a different track. Then I tried to jump off a bridge, but I fell on a boat full of pillows. Then I tried to poison myself."

Then the bully says, "Then what?" Then the man replied, "You just drank it." Then the man left.

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination." The first guy gave him money, and the second guy said, "Thank you." The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But then he asked, "What was that for?" The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?

Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”

He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.

EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

WebMD: Cancer.

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees, and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man.

The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun, and a dog. They search through the jungle for about an hour and then spot a male gorilla above in the treetops.

The man asks the poacher what the plan is. The poacher replies, "I'm going to climb the tree and, when I get close enough, I'm going to start poking the gorilla with the stick until it falls out of the tree.

The dog is a specially trained dog. When the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog will try to bite off the gorilla's balls. When the gorilla moves its hands to protect its balls, you put the handcuffs on it."

This all seems to make sense to the man, but he has one question. "What is the shotgun for?" he asks the poacher. The poacher responds: "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"