New Religion Jokes - Page 59 - Worst Jokes Ever

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

What's the difference between a priest and a zit?

A: One waits until you're twelve to cum on your face.

A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."

The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...

A priest, a pedo, and a rapist walk into a bar and that's just the first guy.

Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

What is God's favorite planet?

Saturn because it has a ring around it.

Stephen Hawking said God isn’t real, and the Priest put a boot on his tire. 😂😂😂

Salman Rushdie got a new book out.

It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."

Mary is hanging out, and the angel Gabriel descends behind her. She looks behind her and says, "Jesus Christ!" and the angel Gabriel said, "So you already know."

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.

Why did half the world go to hell? Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED (again)!

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"