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Religion jokes

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I live in a world made of cheese. Someone stubbed their toe and screamed, "Cheese-its, Christ!"

Why did the orphan go to church?

So he gets to call someone father.

3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.

The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂

The priest wanted the little boy to touch his cross. The boy said, "It's hard." Then it shot out holy water, and the priest said, "Come again and taste the second cumming of Jesus, lmao."

Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.

He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"

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    • Is it bad to hit an orphan?

    What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

    Well... I mean, they could go to church and try to gather that someone hit them.

    A priest, a minister, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this a joke?"

    A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

    A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."

    The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."

    Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.