During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
Religion Jokes
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
ISIS is the mark of the beast.
Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?
Because Muslims don't like pigs!
A child, molester, and priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
What do you call a space Muslim?
A Tusken Raider.
Why did God create women before men?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
I believe Alia is a true god because they say in the beginning there was an explosion.
I think God is cool with abortion.
After all, he did kill his only son.
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
Same person.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?
Christianity.
How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?
God fucked her.
Why did God build a stairway to heaven?
So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.
What activity do nuns and whores have in common?
Answer: Genuflection.
God, when terminally ill children beg him to heal them:
God: No, I don’t want to.
Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.
I’m in catholic school.
A girl walks into the church and confesses.
Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "He held my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."
Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."
Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)
Girl: "Yes, Father."
Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."
Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)
Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"
Priest: "Then what?"
Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."
Priest: "That son of a bitch!"
