Relationship jokes

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family portrait.

My ex.

Your hairline's so bad, your dad went to get the milk and never came back. Years later, he comes back and says, "Go get a hairline, boy."

I am Mario's brother.

Are you a noose, 'cause I wanna hang out with you?

Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute?

So they could finally call someone "daddy."

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

Mickey: I want a divorce!

Minney: Are you fricking crazy?

Mickey: No, I'm fricking Daisy!

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought you can mix too.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

My mom loves balls.

But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"

I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"