Put jokes
I was reading a book about gravity. It was so hard to put down!
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
God creating bees.
God: "Put a needle on their butt."
Angel: "Come on, God, wha-"
God: "Make its puke delicious."
Angel: "WTF"
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can watch the expression on their face.
Q. What do you get if you put hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies!
I’m reading a book about Anti-Gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
How to decorate a wall:
Strip off the paper and original plaster.
Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.
Paint it (if you want).
Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
Stephen Hawking didn’t die naturally, his carer just forgot to put him on charge.
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face as you climax.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that their arms don't get tired.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.
I put the sexy in dyslexia.
So I was making slime, so I put glue, and a lil' pump of lotion and slime activator. Ahah, lil pump, get it?
How do you confuse a blonde? Put it in a circle and tell it to sit in the corner.