Priest jokes
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
These two have been great friends for over 20 years...play golf together...and meet every Tuesday at a classy bar for a glass of wine...talk about golf...good wine and spiritual matters. One day while at the bar enjoying a glass of merlot, the Rabbi raises his glass of wine and says to his long time friend.."brother, do you believe Jesus turned water into wine?"...the Priest thinks for a moment and raises his glass of wine and replies..."yes brother, I do believe Jesus turned water into wine...but don't get excited...since Jesus was Jewish, the wine was probably Manischewitz."
Why did the priest want to learn how to play the organ?
He wanted to be able to finger A minor.
What’s the difference between a priest and target?
Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.
What do a Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common? A: They both come in a little behind.
What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?
With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
If a priest listens to sad music in his church, he really enjoys being deep in minor.
What does a priest and a male homosexual have in common?
They both like to suck a big cock inside the men's locker room at the gym.
Why did the priest buy a clown suit?
Because the old one had blood all over it.
Ashes to ashes, priests prefer boys, 'cause they don't have to shave their asses.
Why did the priest go to the clothing sale at Walmart?
He heard that little boy's pants were half off.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
What does a child molester and a Catholic priest have in common? They both prey at church.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
When is a priest's best compromise?
A failed Baptism.
What are priests' favorite shoe?
White Vans.
What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?
Father Les.
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?
"My bum hurts!"