Pleasing jokes

Comedian

    • (pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -

    "Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump... what the fuck up with that dude, man?

    "Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!)

    . . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....

    STUMP: TEENY DICK

    BUMP: TINY TIT

    GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY

    MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE

    LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED

    UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS

    RUMP: AN ASS

    DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS

    HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD

    PUMP: SEE "HUMP"

    . . . and last, but definitely not least --

    JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH!! ....

    HA! HA! HA! HA! YESSS!!

    .... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse!"

    ......(splort!, plop!, drip!)........ OOOOPS! 'snif, snif'........

    ..... ewwwwww!!

    (audience growing uneasy and unruly)

    "Fuhhk! ... I better go now, 'cause I just went! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes!!

    GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY!

    (curtain drops)

    (continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')

    "OH LORDY!!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,

    ... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"

    (one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew! ............ Amen.

  • 3

    • Name

    • Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.

    Student: My name is Buttitches.

    Teacher: Please tell us your real name.

    Student: Buttitches.

    Teacher: I’m calling the police.

    Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.

    Student: Buttitches.

    Police: *shoots gun.*

    A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."

    Suicide

    • Don’t suicide! Please don’t, it’s horrible, and you will hurt so many people that love you.

    That’s why no one will be hurt.

    Pleasing memes

    Uncle

    • Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

    Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

    (AT BED TIME)

    Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

    Ben: "I'm not."

    (Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

  • 1

    • Fight

    • OK, guys, quick update, what is going on with Freshfry, Drew, and Alya?

    All they're doing is fighting, and I want to put an end to it. So Freshfry, Drew, and Alya all need to read this, OK. First, Freshfry, you should've just said OK the first thing he said, and Drew... really? You had to keep egging him on. I don't know about Alya, but it's like cats and dogs fighting. Just please stop fighting :(

    Faker

    • I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

    Brother

    • A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

    Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

    Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

    Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

    Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

    He came in twice.

    (like if u understand)

  • 1

    • Insult

    • Kenya, if you keep smiling then you will become a positive bitchy!

    Tenya, everyone hates you why I have no idea!

    Kenya stop smiling and start dying!

    Tenya, why are you so mean!

    Kenya, stop acting like a mantrapp!

    Tenya, stop being a bitch in a skirt!

    Please leave a comment good or bad! cusswords whatever!

  • 7

    • Parrot

    • One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

    "Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

    "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

    "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

    "Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

    "I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

  • 0

    • Children

    • My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

    If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

  • 1

    • Rape

    • A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.

    Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"

    Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."

    Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"

    Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.

  • 2