Pleasing jokes

Truth

    • At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

  • 2

    • Foot

    • What’s up with the foot feet?

    What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."

    What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.

    Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.

  • 1

    • Rape

    • So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

  • 0
    • Pleasing memes

    Inch

    • Alicia: I said no already, quit it. You are thirsty, leave me alone creep.

    Nathan: I wanna sex YOU.

    Alicia: I LOVE DICK bud, you're *WEIRD*.

    Nathan: WE-WE

    Alicia: WEE-WEE?

    Nathan: YES YES YES LETS FUCK NOW TAKE them panies off u said yes well in french but u said yes

    Alicia: U tricked me I ain fucking u

    Nathan: *SEX ME!! BITCH SEX ME OH PLEASE SEX ME SEX ME* *screaming saying it*

    Alicia: *WEIRD*

    Nathan: Dick ten inches and i geuss u cant call me *10 inched big long dick nathan* your lose

    Alicia: WHAT NO.... wait? 10 inches yess

    cauh!.cauh! ummm umm long dick goood unmmm couh coun ccccchhou

    nathan: why do i have the urge to stick a chicken wing up yo pussy

    cuugh umm

  • 2

    • Year

    • 🎆 New Year's Eve

    Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"

    Mom👱🏻‍♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"

    Dad👨🏻‍🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"

  • 1

    • Tech

    • Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?

    Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!

    Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?

    Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!

    Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.

    A FEW MOMENTS LATER

    Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?

    Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...

    TWO HOURS LATER

    Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!

    AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER

  • 1

    • Wig

    • Good morning, madam. I am from the local council. Can you please tell me if you have a dog license for that poodle you have on your head?

  • 0

    • Boob

    • Knob Klondike, I want Ellen. Poobiess, please. I want big juicy pobs in me right now. Ellen girl, give milk boob to me with good Pochyy, babie.

  • 3

    • Son

    • Son: Mom, is it possible to make a strawberry cake for me?

    Mom: No, that's impossible.

    Son: But it is possible for your secret boyfriend, right?

    Mom: No, no, please don't tell your dad. I will make a strawberry cake for you.

    Son: Daddy has already tasted your sweet strawberry cake, so because of that, I felt jealous ^_^

  • 0

    • Bear

    • Lionel: Leona, please no more singing your annoying Fuzzy Bear song!

    Leona: But I love my song, right Fuzzy?

    Fuzzy Bear: I am going to bite you for not letting your sister sing my song!

    *Fuzzy Bear bites Lionel*

    Lionel: AHHHHHHH

    Dad

    • Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

    Result

    • I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

    My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

    Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

    A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

    As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

    I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

    The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

    I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

    Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

    A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

    My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

    What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

    I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

    When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

    Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

    My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

    Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

    It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

    Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

    When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

    My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.

    When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

    I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

    The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

    You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

    Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

    What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

    My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

    My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

    What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

    Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

    I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

    They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

    My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

    The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

    To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

    I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

    You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

    I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

    What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

    I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

    The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

    Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.