I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull in a children's play area.
I was chopping onions with my brothers, so my little sisters cried. Onions was a good dog.
Why don’t you have a pet cheetah?
There cheetah you.
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
Dog.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did all the humans say when all the pets left town?
A doggone catastrophe!
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
What did Joe Biden say to the dog? I'm gonna molest you.
My dog got stuck in my ass, help!
I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.
First Man: My dog's got no nose.
Second Man: How does he smell?
First Man: Awful.
If you are wondering where the dog went, I don't know. Maybe he went barking around.
What do you get when you are hungry? A dog to eat.
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
It doesn’t matter, it won’t come anyways.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
I went outside to catch some dog, but I mist.
