Pet jokes
What do you get when you are hungry? A dog to eat.
What did Joe Biden say to the dog? I'm gonna molest you.
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Ground beef.
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
What did all the humans say when all the pets left town?
A doggone catastrophe!
Dog.
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
What is the difference between a dog and a cat?
I don't know either.
Why do you think I asked you? ;)
I went outside to catch some dog, but I mist.
I had to get my dog. Is it a tree? Was your time and I had fun today after dinner. I had...
I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.
I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.
What do dogs eat? Dog food.
My dog died.
What do you say when your pet pig gets lost?
This is a pig problem!
So, one day I saw a dog outside, so I played with it. Then I was like, "I’m gonna see its name and where it lives." So I did. Then... its name was Momo. Then I looked to see where it lived. It said "Joe Momma Street."
Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.