Pet jokes

What is the difference between a dog and a cat?

I don't know either.

Why do you think I asked you? ;)

I went outside to catch some dog, but I mist.

I had to get my dog. Is it a tree? Was your time and I had fun today after dinner. I had...

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.

My dog died.

What do dogs eat? Dog food.

What do you say when your pet pig gets lost?

This is a pig problem!

So, one day I saw a dog outside, so I played with it. Then I was like, "I’m gonna see its name and where it lives." So I did. Then... its name was Momo. Then I looked to see where it lived. It said "Joe Momma Street."

Roses are red, I like burgers on a bun.

This news: family neuters furry son.

Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.

What do you call a dog with no tail?

A tail-less dog.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?

Take him for a drag.

Q: What do you call a cat living with a vet? A: A dead, shrivelled up cat on her death bed that is attached to their owner.

Isn't It Purrfect!

I like cats.

My friend made a joke about dogs. I said it was a RUFF joke.

What is a Mexican's favorite type of dog?

A Chihuahua.

How are infants and chocolate alike? They'll both kill your dog.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

I started crying when Dad started cutting onions.

Onions was a good dog.