New Pet Jokes - Page 5 - Worst Jokes Ever

Why do white people colonise everything?

To steal a culture for themselves, something other than fornicating with anything that moves including their own children and pets which they already do.

A family put their kid and their dog in an Orphanage but came back for only the dog.

Are you my fish because your supposed to be dead

my girlfriends dog died so i got her a new one in replacement and she went off on me and yelled

"What am i supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

What’s the difference between a cat and a frog A cat has 9 lives and a frog croaks every day

I walk on on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said mum, you really spoil those dogs!

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

Why can’t orphans have a house pet

Because it’s parents have it to its self

I met an orphan with a dog yesterday, I chose the dog

one-time the the dog got bit by snake so my dad had to shoot it my dad said to me "this is happen what to your little brother 'what little brother" exactly

My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings...he is being very brave about it though...he is totally unflappable

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

why was the dog stealing shingles?

he wanted to be a woofer

Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife? Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.

I was crying while my dad was cutting onions I the kitchen onions was such a good dog.

You take a plane from Australia your mom is American your dad is British and. Your brother (and you) is Canadian (well because they traveled along many places) you are eating dinner but you realized you were going to europe. You went sleepy and you forgot your pet named “Strallia”. But she could not go anyways so you had to leave her. When you went to europe you were in the “COUNTRY-SIDE”

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.