Pet jokes
Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?
A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.
I am whooping my doge's a$$. If you like, you can free him.
I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.
She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."
What’s the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
I started crying when Dad started cutting onions.
Onions was a good dog.
Like if your best friend has a dog.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not coming anyways.
My dog died. I'm so sad.
What does a male Asian P*rnstar like to say?
"I love eating cat."
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.”
“Of course it is,” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.
What do you call a house with dog hair?
A shed.
I killed my cat.
I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.
You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
I started crying when Dad was chopping onions.
Onions was a good dog.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
Which dog is owned by a kid called "Charlie Brown," raps, and smokes?
Snoopy Dog.
I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.