Pet jokes
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
I went to the zoo the other day and it only had one dog... yeah, it was a shih tzu.
I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."
What did the dog say to the cat? Ruff!
Dentist: Open up, sir.
Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.
Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.
Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.
Dentist: Do you need help??
Me: Yep.
Dentist: ...
Me: ....
Q: What do you call a dog that stepped in its own shit?
A: I don't know.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a cat?
A: Cowacat
B: Mooore
C: Cowacatfood
I had sex with my dog once, and my cat hissed at me for not doing her.
READ THIS OUT LOUD:
This is this cat.
This is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is a busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
this is seconds cat.
NOW- go back and read the third word from each line from the start.
My son asked for a swimming pool so I got him a ant 🐜🐜🐜 pool.
I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...
Onions was a good dog.
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?
A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.
I am whooping my doge's a$$. If you like, you can free him.
I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.
She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."
What’s the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
I started crying when Dad started cutting onions.
Onions was a good dog.