Performance jokes
Singing in the shower is fun, until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.
I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...
Why is America better than Japan at rapping?
Because we're better at dropping bombs.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Drums at Performance
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
Why was the rapper so good at math?
Because he had great FLOW-CULUS skills!
Why do physically disabled gay men like performing blowjobs on well-endowed, abled-bodied gay men?
Because physically disabled gay men prefer eating pepperoni than eating sausage links for dinner 🍽
Your dad went on America's Got Talent for "smoothest way to leave their child."
What does a sex offender that is a lesbian have in common with a sex offender that is a feminist?
They only performed cunnilingus on girls under 18 years old.
Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.
The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"
Why did the rapper go to school?
To master the art of RAP-LETICS!
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
Why did the rapper bring a broom on stage?
To sweep the competition!
Why did the rapper become a weatherman?
To predict the HEAT of his next single.
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
Why did the rapper go to school?
To drop some KNOWLEDGEABLE RHYMES!
Why did the Italian American Roman Catholic priest perform fellatio on gay men at the glory hole inside the adult bookstore?
Someone asked him what would he do for a Klondike Bar?
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case his lyrics made the crowd jump!
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.