Paint jokes

I will never forget my little brother's last words, RIP.

His last words: "Paint doesn't taste good."

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.

Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.

But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."

What does Kurt have in common with painters?

They paint walls.

What was OceanGate's biggest regret?

Not painting Dylan Mulvaney on the side of the Titan submarine for when it sunk like Bud Light's profits.

How do pedophiles get kids to suck their d**k?

They spray paint it like candy 🍬.

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

This is an inside joke for my friend Caiden...

"Hey, where’d you get that paint from?" "Ha! Paint!"

Did you hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint?

My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”

How do you paint a wall red? Throw a baby at it!

1: Hey.

2: What?

1: We're outta paint.

2: *HMM*

(And that's how stop signs have extra paint.)

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

Watching paint dry sounds like a thrill compared to spending time with Slade.

Even Bob Ross couldn’t paint a happy little accident like BLESSEDBRIAN.

Fat jokes and mom jokes😂

1. So fat when she sat on the toilet, she said, "A B C D E F G, get your fat ass off me."

2. So fat, your dad and her were in bed and tried to kiss. He’d have to slap her belly and ride the third wave up.

3. Yo mama so fat that when she went to Japan in a green bikini, they all started yelling, "Godzilla, Godzilla."

4. Your mama’s so fat when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!

5. Bill was so fat when he stepped on the scale, it said "to be continued."

6. Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

I went to the orphans to paint a picture of their parents so they can actually talk to them.

What is white, blue eyed, blonde haired and somehow was made in Galilee during the Roman occupation?

An Italian Renaissance painting that was carbon dated.

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.