Outing jokes

Mr. Smith: Neona, tell us what you have for the biggest competition that we can do to keep our competitors out of the winning streak?

Neona: Will thought we used more sales and more advertising.

Mr. Smith: It's already a good idea. Now what about the business plan? We need it as recommendations to keep the business going. Tell me, what do you have in mind?

Neona: It is better to always have a plan. I was thinking that we can get higher prices and always get great deals. The people will go nuts for a great deal!

Mr. Smith: Perfect. Now let's take a 5 minute break.

Mr. Smith: Ok, 5 minutes is up! Now Neona, I know you are an intern, but what are the best things we can do for the company?

Neona: Hmm...let's see...will we can start with all the things people love! If this is going to work then we have have to......

An alien walks into a bar. There is a guy sitting next to him, and the alien touches his shoulder.

The man says, "Do that one more time and I'll run you over." The alien does it again and gets ran over. They get back in the bar and he touches him again. The man says, "Do that again and I'll chop your dick off." He touches him again. The man pulls the alien's pants down and pulls out his knife. He was astonished at what he found. There was nothing there! He looks up at the alien and looks at his finger and fainted.

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

I’m not funny! Please do not laugh at my jokes! But do check them out, they’re very unpredictable. Read them, do not laugh, they’re jokes, do not laugh at them!

Someone: hah- Me: NO DON’T YOU DARE!😠😠

A random drunk person ate poop, but he found out it was liquid...

Your Mom tells you to take out the trash, and the next day the Police are asking if you bombed the School.

There was a guy I knew who owned a foot-high piano player.

He had found a magic lamp and rubbed it. The genie popped out and gave him one wish.

The guy thinks the genie was a bit deaf, as all he got was a 12" pianist.

Yo mama so hairy, when the baby came out, the baby died because of carpet burning!

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

Simpsons.

Meet the Simpsons.

They're the greatest modern family.

From the town of Springfield.

They're a page right out of history.

Your hairline jokes are so bad that they make me want to rip all my hair out.

I just figured out the "X" in Max stands for the button on Tinder every girl wants to press when they see him.

When the driver ran out of fuel, what kind of gasoline did he use? Grassoline.

Yo mama's so ugly, she went into a haunted house......

And came back out with a job application, then that ran away *CAUSE SHE'S A UGLY FUCK*

A boi found a magic vase and a genie came out and told him he had one wish. The boy said, "I wanna be like Batman." The genie said, "OK, your wish is granted."

The boy came home later that day and his parents were dead.

Stick your head up someone's butt. What do you get? A Butthead!

"Get your butt out of my face!"

"Then get your face out of my butt!!!"

When a person went to a restaurant, they died once they were in. Three people were a suspect. Two were suspected because she served the food. Turns out, it was the food!

When she says she wrestles, so you pull out your dick and she punches it.

Yo mama is so ugly, she scared the sh*t out of the toilet.