An orphan came out of the closet to their parents as gay. Oh wait...
The Demon when it gets summoned to earth only to find out it was a spelling mistake in Latin class. đŹ
How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
What's a reversed exorcism?
It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.
What is a reversed exorcism?
It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.
I just got my doctorâs test results and Iâm really upset about it. Turns out, Iâm not gonna be a doctor.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I donât even care.
Today, I asked my phone âSiri, why am I still single?â and it activated the front camera.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, âI really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!â
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
Donât challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless youâre prepared for the reaper cushions.
I donât have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. âYou canât cut me down,â the tree exclaims, âIâm a talking tree!â The man responds, âYou may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.â
My mom died when we couldnât remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to âbe positive,â but itâs hard without her.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both canât be found.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Do you know the phrase âOne manâs trash is another manâs treasureâ? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, âThis isnât working.â Iâm not sure what heâs talking about. I opened the fridge door and itâs working fine!
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasnât a mourning person.
Itâs important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words âantidoteâ and âanecdote,â one of my best friends would still be alive.
Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I donât find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
Give a man a match, and heâll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, âDo you have any last requests?â âYes,â replies the murderer. âCan you please hold my hand?â
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
You know youâre not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
Whatâs red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
What did the Titanic say as it sank? Iâm nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, âBach, Bach, Bach.â
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. Theyâre always so twisted.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they donât live in a swing state.
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.
Youâre not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Whatâs the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.
I made a website for orphans. It doesnât have a home page.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isnât talking to me.
Why canât Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because heâs dead.
How do you know when a football player has been to jail?
When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.
When an orphan finds out who their parents are, and then finds out they're dead.
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I donât care what yâall think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. Iâve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Yâall need to give more respect to the mining â community.
If youâre American when you go in the bathroom...
... and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...
I just figured out the "X" in Max stands for the button on Tinder every girl wants to press when they see him.
Why is everyone trying to make a big deal out of this? My family were only flying to Pakistan and crashed into 2 towers.
Yo, Dad is so skinny, he doesn't work out enough.
Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.
These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.
A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.
The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.
Me in 2078 when the COVID-19 delta alpha theta beta cya layta alligayta nlgga chungus sussy deef clussy sussy bussy cunnybrap variant comes out and I need to stay in lockdown for another 2 years with my new mandated virus stopper buttplug 9000.
