What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?
They cry...
They scream... with joy.
"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."
Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...
I rate my dad as pilot 9 out of 11
Bro, I love hanging out with bullies. It's either we play Yahtzee or we playing Nazi.
The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.
I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.
I remarked, "You lazy!"
What did Nemo say to the emo?
"Be careful, you can't Nemo your way out of emo."
I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.
What did one candle say to the other?
"Want to go out tonight?"
How does a tree access the internet?
By logging in and branching out!
"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."
"What's been going on, John?" I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.
What did one chair say to the other?
"I'm so bummed out!"
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
The 2nd worst thing that happened to an orphan was finding out the milk man passed.
I ordered my sandwich at a restaurant on 9/11 spicy, it came out plain.
Me in the middle of the night boiling water.
Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water. My brother: How Me: You boil the hell out of it.
What is a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the childs body.
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
