Q: Why did Hitler shoot himself?
A: Because his mother taught him to take out the trash.
Outing Jokes
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?
Because good rappers always stand out!
A disabled kid kept throwing up in class.
So I threw him out the window!
What’s the difference between a Jew and an American? The American makes it out of camp.
My son was thrown out of school for letting a schoolgirl wank him off.
"That's the third school this year..." I said to my son, "... Maybe teaching isn't for you."
Diddy and Hawk Tuah walk into a bar. Hawk Tuah says, "Spit on that thang!" Only one walks out. 💀
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
What song do supportive parents of a closeted child love?
“The Son Will Come Out Tomorrow.”
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.
They have to come out of the closet sometime.
What song do you play at an emo kid's funeral?
Van Halen's "Jump."
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
I believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.
ISIS recently brought out a new shampoo.
Head and Shoulders!
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.
What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
What is the worst part about siblings having sex?
Being left out.
