Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
I dated a furry once The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
On Paxomedy channel I made a video of a Rooster and a dog fighting. I needed to know why they were fighting. Once I dag down the issue it turned out that the Dog called the Rooster a Cock and the Rooster laughed and called the Dog a useless Bitch and that was the beginning of their fight and wierd enough the Cock won! I went to congratulate the winner but he thought he was insulting me by calling me Zinjathropus but I said that was a compliment because Zinja was an old skeleton found in Africa and I am African. I said to the Rooster he shouldnt have fought with the dog just because he called him a Cock. He said that being called a Cock is a compliment and the fighting was his exercise to toughen up for serious fights with Dogs!
It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies”, I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point..they sure as hell aren’t real now!
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
What stresses a baby strawberry out? When its mom is in a jam.
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
Why do some couples go to the gym together? Because they want their relationship to work out.
What’s the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter? Only one came out the chamber.
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender can squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time Weight Lifters, Lumberjacks, men in the Army, and Etc. But still, nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down the bartender said "okay" and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to Total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack a weight lifter or what?". The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS".
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
What kind of jokes doesn’t work out? Fat people jokes.
Put Hellen Keller in Gorge Floyd’s position. How is she cry out for help would she just moan or would she try to do sign language?
I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights
He arrested me for impersonating Gorge Floyd. *I have seizures*
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house. So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard, one said “ what tree?” I replied “you’ll know when you get here”
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
A man find out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees. Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says “I can save you $100”
Yo mama so ugly she's only allowed to go out on October 31.
