Not jokes
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!
Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.
Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.
What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.
Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Why are orphans not boomerangs? Because they never come back.
POV there’s a school shooting.
American: First time, European?
European: Yeah, you American?
American: No, not my first time.
Why do orphans not like cereal? Because their dad never came back with milk.
Why can't orphans go to Home Depot?
Because they do not have a home!
Uh, six teachers are annoying. Thank God I am not getting picked on at school or on this website.
Q: Why can’t orphans be criminals?
A: They are not wanted.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁
Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?
Because there is no ramp to heaven.
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."