Not jokes

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!

Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.

Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

Why would a protestant refuse to become a catholic?

Because a protestant is not a homosexual sodomite.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Q: Why can’t orphans be criminals?

A: They are not wanted.

What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

What do you do when your cat's not home?

Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.

It did not rain very often when Chuck Norris was a kid.

Why?

Because his favorite childhood song was "Rain Rain Go Away."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁

Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?

Because there is no ramp to heaven.

So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Not Bob.

John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.

Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.