Not jokes

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

Q: Why can’t orphans be criminals?

A: They are not wanted.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

What do you do when your cat's not home?

Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.

Why would a protestant refuse to become a catholic?

Because a protestant is not a homosexual sodomite.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁

Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?

Because there is no ramp to heaven.

So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Not Bob.

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.

Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.

I'm not gay, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Why did the orphan eat cereal with water?

Their dad did not come home with the milk.

What games would deaf people not be good at?

Simon says and Musical chairs.