Not jokes

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

I can tell a joke :)

Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Why is the German blind?

Because he's a "not see."

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

It's not funny to joke about orphans. Without any education, they'd never understand what the jokes mean.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Alyas' dad died, that's comedy. Something not funny is like BLM.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

When you were supposed to help the depressed kid, but not "help" the depressed kid.

Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"

Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."

Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"

Why can't orphans have a five-star GTA because they're not wanted?

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.

Not a soul in sight.

What war did Africa not win? The water fight.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?

"Not now, I have a headache."