Not jokes

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Why is the German blind?

Because he's a "not see."

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

It's not funny to joke about orphans. Without any education, they'd never understand what the jokes mean.

Alyas' dad died, that's comedy. Something not funny is like BLM.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

Why can't orphans have a five-star GTA because they're not wanted?

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.

Not a soul in sight.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it's not 53, 'cause my basement's still dark.

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

All orphans must be gay because they are not home o'fobic.

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow