Not jokes

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

Why is the German blind?

Because he's a "not see."

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Alyas' dad died, that's comedy. Something not funny is like BLM.

Why did the Japanese NOT shoot down the American plane that was dropping atomic bombs?

From what their eyes saw, it was a piece of rice.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

Why can't orphans have a five-star GTA because they're not wanted?

It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Not being retarded.

I went to the National Redhead Meeting yesterday.

Not a soul in sight.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it's not 53, 'cause my basement's still dark.

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.