Not jokes

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist resort?

It's not hard.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

"What’s your name?"

"Am erica."

"No, I asked for your name, not your country."

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

I'm not in jail for tossing a salad.

Sans: Pap, your spaghetti is bonearific.

PaprUs: Sans, no. Aw, your funny bone is not working; come on, that one was a rib tickler.

Hello worstjokesever.com, I am not typing but instead using a microphone to speech, ding me a period.

I don’t see what’s coming up, but I don’t know why I am sending, so it will be random or funny or just stupid, LOL. So like and subscribe and...

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

C'mon guys, I know I'm not the only bored one around here!

Why do orphans look so ugly?

Because they have a face not even a mother could love.

What did the racist Catholic priest say?

"Martin Luther? Not my king!"

Try to make a joke, but not about yourself.

Well, I have nothing.

Jarod (😏): Man, Breya Smith is so hot! The things I would do!

Y'uree (😟): Yes, but... she moved, remember? Her father found a new "job," so she is now leaving until the fall.

Jarod (😞): Ah yes! BECAUSE!!!!!

Y'uree (😯): I don't know, bitch. Maybe she has other things to do, or we can give her a good gangbang before she leaves!

Jarod: (😒): No, I really want to fuck her by myself!

Jarod (🤔): Hmmmmmmm..... mhmmmmmm..... ummmmm..... hmmmmm.... not a bad idea!

Jarod (🤨): Or not?

Y'uree (🙄): Shut up, man!

Jarod (😠): NO, I mean it! THAT GIRL HAS THE BEST ASS FOR ORAL SEX!

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.

I thought Gastown was in Vancouver, not in Wilkie, Saskatchewan.

Why can't orphans have sex?

They do not have anyone to call "daddy."

Which planet would I consider dating?

I don’t know, but not Saturn because she’s already got a ring on her.