Not jokes
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 8 because my basement is still dark.
What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?
Not being retarded.
Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris, but not about Bruce Lee?
Bruce Lee was no joking matter.
Why did the midget not go to bed?
He couldn't reach the bed.
We cut and kill flowers because they're pretty.
We cut and kill ourselves because we are not.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
Dark humor is like food.
Not everyone gets it.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
What is heavy forward but not backward?
"Ton."
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now!
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.