Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
so i was fucking my daughter the other night and i dont know what was funnier the look on my wife's face or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
At night I became a mattress murderer
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
I was eating this girl out the other night and I tasted horse semen so I said to her "oh that's how you died grandma."
So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Q: Why are gay people never late for their flight? A: They get their shit packed the night before.
When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
When I go to bed... my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick... and beats me with it.
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
North Korea and the Martians were fighting about who was going to reach Venus first. Trump steps in and says, "That doesn't matter, America is going to land on the sun first." The Martians and North Korea said, "You can't land on the sun, it's too hot and you will die." Trump said his brilliant plan, "America is going to land there at night."
Yo mom so far that when she walk outside at 8am, it became Mid Night all over again.
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover so one of her friends asks when was the last time you had an orgasm? she replies 3 days ago dad comes bursting in i KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
What happens at night in Bangladesh? -- It gets Dhaka.
