Night jokes

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

Who’s the roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table?

Circumference.

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?

Cot death.

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?

Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?

Museum girl: Committing suicide.

Allan: What about Friday night?

Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

At night I became a mattress murderer.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

Q: Why are gay people never late for their flight?

A: They get their shit packed the night before.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.