When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
When I go to bed... my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick... and beats me with it.
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
North Korea and the Martians were fighting about who was going to reach Venus first.
Trump steps in and says, "That doesn't matter, America is going to land on the sun first."
The Martians and North Korea said, "You can't land on the sun, it's too hot and you will die."
Trump said his brilliant plan, "America is going to land there at night."
Yo mom so far that when she walk outside at 8am, it became Mid Night all over again.
A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
What happens at night in Bangladesh?
It gets Dhaka.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
