Next jokes

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!

Yo mama so fat, she was the lead balloon in the Thanksgiving day parade next to Kermit the Frog.

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

What do you call two terrorists standing next to each other with their dicks out?

The Twin Towers.

Alright class, the person who answers my next question gets to go home.

Then a guy throws a pencil. The teacher asks, "Who threw that pencil?" "I did, I get to go home."

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't let your kids next to Prince Andrew.

Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

Next day:

Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

Proof that words really can hurt.

I wanted to put this up so I could say goodbye to everyone that I chatted with, like Gwen or MEG... So, yea, see you next year after Friday.

Why do terrorists like the Twin Towers?

It's the next thing they blow up.

Why is 19 afraid?

Because if you add 400 to it, it’ll be next to 420.

Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."

At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."

Her name was Lola.

She was a loner.

At the Copa.

Then I saw her,

And I got a boner.

The next morning,

She couldn't remember if I banged her.

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

What's white but not black, and red all over?

J. K. Rowling after attending the world premiere of the next Matrix movie.

My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"