Next jokes

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.

Yo mama so fat, she was the lead balloon in the Thanksgiving day parade next to Kermit the Frog.

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

Why did the rapper become a weatherman?

To predict the HEAT of his next single.

Why is 19 afraid?

Because if you add 400 to it, it’ll be next to 420.

What's white but not black, and red all over?

J. K. Rowling after attending the world premiere of the next Matrix movie.

Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."

At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."

Her name was Lola.

She was a loner.

At the Copa.

Then I saw her,

And I got a boner.

The next morning,

She couldn't remember if I banged her.

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"

I wanted to put this up so I could say goodbye to everyone that I chatted with, like Gwen or MEG... So, yea, see you next year after Friday.

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

What do you call two terrorists standing next to each other with their dicks out?

The Twin Towers.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't let your kids next to Prince Andrew.

Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

Next day:

Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

Proof that words really can hurt.