Next jokes
So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.
The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"
A man goes for a pee in a haunted house.
He unzips his pants at the urinal when a man dressed as a goblin chuckles next to him. "You got a small dick, buddy," the man says to him.
I just took an orange soda bath this morning. The next thing I knew, it turned out to be a river of Orange Crush.
There was once a boy who took a selfie, and the next day became an orphan.
I sat down to eat some ice cream. The next moment, I screamed!
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.
Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.
Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!
Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel!
Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.
When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."
His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"
Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"
10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"
My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.
Why did the rapper become a weatherman?
To predict the HEAT of his next single.
So the other day I saw a homeless man. He tried to mug me. I let him.
I had nothing on me either. (I'm on the next block over.)
Why is 19 afraid?
Because if you add 400 to it, it’ll be next to 420.
Yo mama so fat, she was the lead balloon in the Thanksgiving day parade next to Kermit the Frog.
One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.
And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.
And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
What's white but not black, and red all over?
J. K. Rowling after attending the world premiere of the next Matrix movie.
Her name was Lola.
She was a loner.
At the Copa.
Then I saw her,
And I got a boner.
The next morning,
She couldn't remember if I banged her.
Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."
At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.
He never came back the next day, says the local news.