Next jokes
My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.
The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"
Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Can't wait for Stephen Hawking's next update.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
There was once a boy who took a selfie, and the next day became an orphan.
Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.
Mom: Did you finish your homework?
Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.
Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.
Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!
Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.
Son: That was cruel!
Roses are red, violets are blue, don't let your kids next to Prince Andrew.
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
What do you call two terrorists standing next to each other with their dicks out?
The Twin Towers.
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."
At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."
Her name was Lola.
She was a loner.
At the Copa.
Then I saw her,
And I got a boner.
The next morning,
She couldn't remember if I banged her.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
What's white but not black, and red all over?
J. K. Rowling after attending the world premiere of the next Matrix movie.
I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.
He never came back the next day, says the local news.
Why do terrorists like the Twin Towers?
It's the next thing they blow up.
Alright class, the person who answers my next question gets to go home.
Then a guy throws a pencil. The teacher asks, "Who threw that pencil?" "I did, I get to go home."
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
I wanted to put this up so I could say goodbye to everyone that I chatted with, like Gwen or MEG... So, yea, see you next year after Friday.