Tomorrow

Tomorrow Jokes

An old man gets the call from the IRS The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office and the man there says,”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies,”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says,”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says,”alright last chance. I bet you 50,000 i can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agents desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “haha! I got you now!” But the mans lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands and says,”He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”

Little Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher said, "okay everyone, Tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet". Johnny didn't know the alphabet so he decided to ask his family. He walked in the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mamma, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV and he says, "Tommy what's the Second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman". So He went to his Grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma what's the third letter of the Alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher come to Johnny she says, "Johnny what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now" - Johnny "Who do you think you are young man to talk to someone like me that way?" - teacher "I'm Batman" - Johnny The teacher whups his ass and little johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

Later that day he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse that he accidentally cussed to his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes) 1. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick

2. I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

3. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They're painful to look at.

5. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

6. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

7. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

8. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Dad: What did you learn in school today?

Timmy: Not enough, I guess, ‘cus I gotta go back tomorrow.

Quote of the day: It's never too late to be what you wished you were. Hope y'all are having a great day! I just got back from a volleyball tournament that I had to be up at 5AM for! We played three games and won the last one. We advanced and are playing a few more tomorrow. Wish me and my team good luck!

My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children. If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

Boy 1: Bro, you still got my Nikes? Boy 2: Ye, sorry. I got em dirty. Boy 1: Please clean them, we have school tomorrow.

Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

He came in twice.

(like if u understand)

Tomorrow is Christmas and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (yes this was inspired by a Fallout boy song)

my girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time...................tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow

5

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde." The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

6

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery but toady is a gift that is why it I called the present.