Worst Jokes Ever
How do you turn a cat into a fish?
Tell your girl not to wash down there.
Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?
Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.
What’s the difference between black matter and Black Lives Matter?
Black matter leaves an impact.
I think God is cool with abortion.
After all, he did kill his only son.
Why do orphans enjoy playing tennis?
It's the only way they’ll get love.
What did Hitler get for his birthday?
A G.I. Jew and an Easy Bake Oven.
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
Same person.
My grandma asked me if I could visit her.
I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.
Your hairline is like the economy, it's going down.
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
What does a cannibal do after eating its vegetables?
Sells the wheelchair.
Why were the Twin Towers angry on 9/11?
Because they ordered a pepperoni pizza, but all they got instead was plane.
What does a depressed kid who loves geometry use to kill themself?
A hypoteNUSE!
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw them some laundry.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
Why is the bottom of the sea so dark?
Because Black people can’t swim.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?
Christianity.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”