Worst Jokes Ever
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?
One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What makes you think feminists can change anything?
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.
I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.
How 9/11 Happened!:
Hey Bush, Truth or dare?
So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.
He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.
I like my woman like I like my wine, 12 years old and locked in the basement.
What do you call the midget sea?
A pond.
What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller? A baby with a potato peeler.
Your face and your life.
Verga.
What’s the best math equation to eat?
Cosine Law.
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?
She wanted to be for sure for sure!
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack had a shock and a mouth full of cock, and Jill's real name was Randy.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
I once had clothes that were so unbearably uncomfortable,
but I never realized they suited me.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"