Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?
Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...
A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.
The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."
Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."
Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.
This isn't a joke; I just want to spread awareness of anatidaephobia.
I put glue in a man :)
I hate these double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.
What do we call a skeleton who has a ton of travels?
A skele-TON!
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Two wind turbines are standing in a field.
One asks, "What's your favorite type of music?"
The other says, "Well... I'm a huge metal fan..."
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
Don't worry, neither have they.
When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.
Your mam is gay.
Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!
Yo mama so fat, when you married your sister, she was big enough to sit on the groom's side and the bride's side.
You're so fat, astronomers discovered a planet larger than Earth but smaller than Uranus.
Will Will Smith smith?
Yes, Will Smith will smith.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
What is the best thing about a gipsy on her period?
When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
What happens if you mix a dick with a potato?
You get a dictator dic-dick-tator-potato!
