Worst Jokes Ever

Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.

Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"

What do you call a paralyzed kid with a gun?

Special Forces.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use a honeycomb.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."

"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."

A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "How?"

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter!"

"Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world? It only had one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu."

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."

"Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because everyone's dying to get in!"

"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”