So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
Child: I am hungry.
Dad: Hi hungry, I am dad!!!
Child: *groans* *walks away*
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
God: “Steven, join us.”
Sees the staircase to Heaven.
Steven: “Ahh, fu-”
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
What's the difference between a bear with a gun and an American man with a gun?
The bear has common sense not to fire it.
Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.
He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!
Stephen Hawking couldn't drink anything.
He'd break if he did.
What do boobs and toys have in common?
Kids end up playing with toys, but adults end up playing with boobs.
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
When do you go on red and stop at green?
A watermelon.
Do you like all the jokes I’ve been “cracking?”
Meow meow meow meow :p
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Me: *makes Chuck Norris meme*
Internet: *all the other memes are dead now*
Me: Well, shit.
Why was the sheep arrested?
Because he did a "ewe" turn on a motorway.
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned, and the steaks are higher.
